January 12th

Three years ago today was when I moved in here to "watch" my mother as she was doing, saying things that just didn't seem right. 20 days prior I had lost my mother's sister and my most favorite Aunt in the world. I was still grieving about her loss and was not prepared for what has turned out to be a huge turning point in my life. My Aunt Lissie was the sweetest most honest person you would ever meet. She never treated me with anything but respect. She treated me as well if not better than or as least equal to my own mother. I loved her with all my heart and I have such fond memories of her and none are bad, with the exception of losing her. So I was not ready to jump into what I had just jumped into with my mother.

My mother had breast cancer in 1974 and lost a breast to that. She recovered quickly and without radiation or chemo. She had received her nursing license a couple of years prior and without reserve went on back to it full force. Through the years she did well with the exception of a couple of bouts with cancer. Skin cancer and then in 1993 she was diagnosed with bone cancer and was only given 6 months to live. She received radiation and did very well and in 2003 was still here and managing on her own. I had noticed a few months prior to my Aunt Lissie's death my moms speech and memory doing funny things. I called her on it several times and as with most questions into her health to me the response was I know what is wrong with me and I am looking into it and am prepared for what God has in store for me. But after my Aunt Lissie's death I knew I had to watch her a little more closely and decided to go and stay a few days with her to watch her on a 24/7 basis.
Good thing as that evening I was witness to her having a seizure, which I had never seen and feared was a stroke. Longer story short, she had a brain tumor...which as dad and I were told in 1974 that anything she had from that point on out was to be referred to as breast cancer. Or in a manner of speaking, that it was the basic cause. The doctors were actually amazed that she was even alive, let alone walking and talking.

So I had to at that moment make some big decisions. My mom needed round the clock care. They wanted to put her into a home. No way, thats my mom. If it was in my power to care for her in the manner in which she deserved, then so be it. So I did. I never went back to my home. I left my 3 bedroom home and brought my husband and 2 dogs here to my parents house into one room. A very hard thing to do. My mom lived for 10 months they didn't give her that much time. I can't say it was a good life for her as she indured more seizures and too many tests and treatments that as we now know were unnecessary. But she had some good days. And I was there. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't want to do anything like it again. If I had to do it all over again, would I change anything? No. Thats my mom. I loved her. She took care of me when I needed her. She watched over me and made sure I was safe when I was growing up. And probably some when I was grown up. There was never a question that I would do it. In the back of my mind, I knew for 30 years I would have to do it. I never thought I would be able to do it....but I did. Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it all over again? Yes. That was my mom. It taught me a lot about love, commitment, responsibility,pain, grief, selfishness, family, honesty and faith. Not in that particular order and not at all only those things. I can't say it all made me a better person, I think I am the same. But yet I am different. I have too many feelings to know what to do with, but enough to know I had a good mother who taught me the meaning of life. I only hope I did her proud. I miss you mom.