I Can Only Imagine

Today was a rainy day yet again. But rainy days are ok, I actually like the rain and snow! Even though I still am limited to my walking/standing, we ventured off to do some errands. During the drive, I got to thinking some about, well just about everything...seems those slideshows are coming back into focus in my mind about mom, Cathy, Aunt Lissie and just about every aspect of my life. Lets start out this way, I am a Christian. I have been since my early teens. I don't know what it is NOT to attend church and not to TRY to live my life as a Christian. I have tried, I believe, to pass on those traits to my child and to those close whom I love. I have always felt the presence of God by my side. I feel he has carried me when I could not get through those troublesome times in my life. I have always felt safe and secure in most everything I have ever done. I have always felt that He will be with me and my family, and guide us all through each day. I had a weird feeling today, one of feeling "ready", something I don't know that I have ever felt. It was strange yet comforting. The clouds were thick and gray, black almost...but I looked beyond and saw beautiful white clouds. I wondered if all the trials I have been through the last few years, were the ones that would make or break me of the chance of getting to those Pearly Gates. Then I wondered, how beautiful it must be there, how white the clouds will be or will we see them there? Will we be swinging on the clouds all in white? Will there be any colors there? And will the colors be vibrant? Will there truely be joy, warmth, happiness and all the blessings you could imagine? At the Gates will the arms of The Lord be opened wide for me as I have always hoped for and expected? Will all those before me whom I have loved be there waiting for me? What must it be like?



I can only imagine.................................

Tree faces

I needed something to do one day!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just Another Day

I managed another trip through Walmart via wheelchair/shopcart. I think Frank actually is getting a kick now, out of speeding me through the isles. He knows how hard it is for me to not be able to get out and do the things myself so he has been willing to drag me through all the places I do my shopping with no problem. What a drag it is not to be able to walk more than5 minutes. I have to say I am so thankful that I have never had this as a problem. And I am hoping that my surgeries will have done what they are supposed to do and in no time I will be back to "normal" or even better. The trip today wasn't as bad as before. Most in part due to Frank. He did his best to make it "fun". And I have to say it worked. The last two times I tried the wheelchair/shopping thing, it did not work all too well, and I had a terrible day yesterday, so he was not going to let today be anything but a Fun time. I guess we acted like a couple of kids today but I don't care. He pushed me fast through the isles and sometimes even let go of the handles and let me coast down the isle. I caught a glimpse of a couple of younger women giving me a look, but I tried not to dwell on it. Its funny how when you are doing your regular shopping you don't realize how the people in the wheelchairs look. I have seen their faces better now that I am at their level and I know why most look so mean. Or I feel as though I do. Its degrading a bit to have to be lower to try to shop. Its hard to maneuver the wheelchair (whether you are driving the motorized one or are being pushed) through most of the isles. Its fine down the center or far isles but try to get into through the clothes or look up higher than 3 feet at anything and you have a definite problem. Today wasn't so bad, as Frank made it fun...he would push me fast, let me go coasting, circled me around in a circle acting like he didn't know which way to go and made me dizzy....sometimes he even acted like he forgot about me when a lot of people were around and the looks on there faces was worth it. He bebopped around people saying "excuse us, coming through or just BEEP BEEP" and the best part was when he tried to beat others to a checkout and pushed me so fast I hit the checkout counter and he told the lady to Bag me up and pack me in like sardines! I am sure she thought us both to be crazy as Frank kept cracking jokes about the sweatshirts I was buying was for him to go swimming in, and when she asked us about what we were doing for Thanksgiving, he told her we were having peanut butter and lettuce sandwiches, (which is what was in our cart)
as I wrote the check I gave into the crazyness and started crossing my eyes and acting goofy with him and she actually asked me for ID and I have never had to show my ID at Walmart!

So I am thinking that maybe we shouldn't go back to that Walmart?


Here's wishing anybody reading this a Happy Thankful Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for, and the best part is right here by my side through sickness and health.

Road Rage?

I have finally gotten to get out of the house other than the doctor thing. I was oh so ready too. Frank decided it would be ok for me to accompany him to Sam's Club for some much needed groceries. I did not prepare for this as I should have. I honestly figured I would be up (not running) but up and able to do more at this point. Oh well, live and learn. Yeah thats something at 51...learning....Anyhow, I for my first time ever had to get a motorized wheelchair to cart myself around the store as just getting out of the car and to the door was a feat in itself. But I figured it would be an adventure of sorts. Yeah thats what it was alright...I cannot believe how rude people can be to the unfortunate who have to use wheelchairs. People are in such a hurry, and even I have in the past needed to be able to run into a store to just get what I need and get out as quickly as possible. I hope I was polite...But some people act as though you are going to get what they are there to buy and then get into line in front of them on purpose to get out before you. Like its a race? Come on, what is more important than being polite and helpful? I just don't get it. Other than just being rude. I mean I had no knowledge of how to use the chair but did my best. But people seemed to just jump out in front of me or walk at the side of me and try to "beat" me to where I was headed. Like I was being a real hindrance to their shopping experience. It was horrible. If that was all, I actually had another lady who was in one of these same chairs constantly getting in my way. Not once, or twice but three different times did this lady seem to come from nowhere and drive her chair right in front of me where I could not get around her and she each time gave me the look of disgust and would not move. I each time had to back up and wait for her. She made a point I think of not moving on purpose even after I backed up and waited. SO each time I had to reroute my chair. But that was ok..maybe she did not know how to operate her chair?

I wanted to say something each time someone got in my way or stopped abrubtly in front of me and then did not make an effort to move over to let me go by. You know it was kind of like when you are driving on the road and the jerk that is sitting on your tail thinks he can find a way to get there faster if he was in front of you even though there are 5 semi trucks back to back in front of you and all around you? You keep quiet and when possible you let him by, you don't honk or wave your arms, but wait until he can't see you and let him have it...I kept my mouth shut, but it was all too exhausting. I finally gave up and said no more...lets go home and do without! I thought about it all the way home, how the unfortunate who have to live in these chairs must feel day in and day out, when out in public and these people treat them so terribly. How humiliating it must be...thats how I felt yesterday, the stares people gave me and some of the smart remarks, not just the rudeness. I know most people are not this way, but I did not find any of those people yesterday. They must have stayed home like I usually do on a Saturday!

Entenmann's Anyone?

Its been 12 days since I had my knee surgery and I am tired of this...I guess I am not a good patient. I would rather be the one who waits on people instead of the other way around..I just like to stay busy I guess. I had my first doctor visit yesterday where I got my stitches removed and he said for the most part I was doing good, but I still have a few weeks to take it easy. You would think I would have been loving that...I guess I was ready for him to say.....GET OFF Your duff and get yourself moving! But guess I am doing things just as they are supposed to be done. Taking things one day at a time. Anyhow the drive there was brutal. An hour and a half to and from and sitting in the car was the worst...the pressure was awful when getting out and never seemed to leave. If that wasn't enough, Frank took me to eat at Cracker Barrel for breakfast/lunch afterward (cause he knows I love it there) and the hostess said it would be a 5 minute wait...well I think after about 10 I was ready to lose it. I cannot only not sit for a long time but after about 5 minutes of standing my knees felt as though they were ready to POP! When she called yet another name instead of mine I took one look at Frank and I guess he just knew and took my arm and we headed for the car. Later, Frank went to the grocery to get some much needed items...and much to my surprise he pulled out a large box of Entenmann's Cinnamon Rolls. Yummy. I love ANYTHING from Entenmann's. I should be their spokesperson. In 2003 I think I should have taken stock in their chocolate donuts as I was first introduced to them and just could not stop eating them. I don't get them often anymore, but was pleasantly surprised when Frank bought them Just for me last night. JUST FOR ME! :)

I mean he has taken good care of me, holding my hand in the hospital while I got so sick after the surgery, and since being home, putting on my pants, socks and shoes...(as I still can't bend my knees too far) cooking, sweeping, laundry taking care of my dad....but mostly not getting upset with me when I get frustrated that some things are not done the way I do them! Then he goes and gets me something I didn't even know he knew I liked..................................................I guess he knows me pretty darn well. What a sweetheart.

The Gravy Boat

After eating I felt a little refreshed to walk around some, then exercise, and then now to sit so I can take advantage of it and post some thoughts. My mom loved dainty things...as the years went on after her first bout with cancer, one of her arms got increasingly weak. She always had dishware that was what I would call "dainty". In the collections there would always be the sugar bowl, creamer, butter dish and always a "gravy boat". But the ones she loved so much were getting too heavy for her to handle, so she would frequent yard sales to find that perfect set of dishes that she would be able to handle easily. She went through several over the years only to settle on this last one. I find it terribly ugly. The color isn't me either..But it wasn't for me. She loved it and that was all that mattered...I don't really think she got to use it too much. Tonight my husband made dinner as he has since my surgery, and he made homemade gravy. Yum was it good. He got that talent from his mom..(the gravy making, as she was a good cook and her gravy was excellent) As he was making it he asked what he could put it into for the dinner table. I said to him that any old bowl would do, and tried to look up into the cabinet for one such bowl...and there it was...the gravy boat. The last collection mom got included a gravy boat. I didn't even know it was there. Now that we know we will use it more often. SO mom, if you are watching, this one's for you.

Its getting a little too prickly for me....

Ok, so its been a while since my last post. But this is the first day for 6 days that I could actually even think about sitting up and have my legs dangling after my surgery on both of them. It hasn't been all that bad, except for the 11 hours in the hospital where I spent dry heaving before it got really ugly..stomach acid is a terrible thing...don't know if it was an allergic reaction to the anesthesia or the crappy apple juice the nurse forced me to drink an hour after surgery. Did I say she forced me to drink it? Well thats my story and I am sticking to it. I can honestly say apple juice will not drank by me anytime soon. Whew, what a nightmare that was. Yeah, Yeah.. what did I think? That I was going to go get both knees operated on and spend a lovely night in a hospital room having drinks and food brought to me being waited on hand and foot...(and knees) watching the tube, doing crossword puzzles at my leisure for 24 hours? YES I DID. A sort of mini vacation of sorts. But alas, that was not the case. I was never so glad to get out of that place and back to my own bed in all my life. Of course now after 6 days I am ready to go somewhere, anywhere....am I fickle? Probably.

Whatever.

I am doing ok however, still using a walker and thinking it will be a part of me for a few days still. I have though finally got to where I can leave it outside of the restroom...that was another nightmare....How do they expect you to take that big thing with you and then actually do your thing and not fall in while trying to sit or get up? They told me to store it after my using it as I may need it in the future...GEEZ I hope NOT. This contraption is difficult to maneuver when your legs are not cooperating, let alone trying to just get from one room to another, do they really think it works good on carpet? And whats the deal with trying to turn corners with that thing? Geez they told me not to get rid of it..they told me when I could take off the bandages, when to bathe, when to take the pills, what to take and not to take gave me all sorts of instructions on exercises.........but nobody said how to work this dude around corners. I tried yesterday to walk outside as I was getting cabin fever, but don't even get me started on using it on gravel! Man, where's my hoveround?

Oh well, I am sure I am getting better, my complaining is right on track.
Exercises are doing good, my knees are bending without too much discomfort and the swelling is going down.

I will just be happy when I can bend enough to shave my legs!

Mom

Well this is a day I will never forget...the second year since my mother died. She had a long battle with cancer but it didn't show its real ugly face until the last 10 months of her life. Its funny for the last two years I have had this slideshow of pictures in my mind of my mom going on over and over. But for some reason the last several days it hasn't been present. Where was that pale fresh face with the big smile? Why couldn't I hear her laugh? But mostly why couldn't I hear the way she called my name? Were the memories and pictures gone forever? But then all of a sudden this morning it hit me while in church, this is the day, of course it was a Friday, that she died. I was in church and the preacher mentioned something in Psalms and thats all it took as I remember reading Psalms 23 to her that last morning. I miss her. I miss her smile, the way she smelled, the way no matter what, I could do no wrong in her eyes. I think about her each and every day and hope she is watching over me and approves of the way I am trying to care for dad. I also know she is telling me "I told you so" over and over when he does something she would tell me about oh so often. Well, mom, I will love you always and I am sure Cathy, Aunt Lissie, Aunt Ellene and Aunt Vera are keeping you company.

Is it Live or is it Memorex?

Another day of rainy weather. I don't mind it so much other than I was really looking forward to some fishing before my surgery. I see on Friday they are calling for some sunny skies, I am setting my sites for the docks. Not too much went on today as I have gotten most things caught up other than the impending change I might have for some insurance...not looking forward to calls on comparisons. But it is something that has to be done. What I cannot stand is trying to talk to and ask questions to a computer generated customer service----------, well what the heck do you call it? Its not really a live representative, so what exactly do you call it...automated system something or other? It simply drives me crazy. How can you unless your question is simple or standard, talk to one of these things? I got so irritated I actually found myself telling it off and then it told me there was not a list for that subject..gee whiz...what next? After I said it I actually felt stupid..I felt stupid? Yeah I was talking to a computer, I should have felt stupid. But really, I know you have to automate some things and the basic reason is to lower some of the operating costs the company has, and there is going to be change and that is a fact, I have to deal with it.....but this is utterly ridiculous. I just want to talk to a real live person....thats not so much to ask for..........or is it?